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Losses and Gains

The birth of a baby always brings both losses and gains. These will be different for each person.

Compare Dad's Answers Mum's Answers Select the box next ot the statements that reflect YOUR experience of loss and gain. These will appear on the scale below: Gains: Losses: 1 A child to love 1 My freedom 2 I'm a mother 2 My body shape 3 I'm a father 3 Social and leisure activities 4 A child to love me 4 Time with my partner 5 Something in common with other women/men 5 My personal independence 6 Our family line will continue 6 My freedom to spend our money 7 I have a family 7 Feeling carefree and confident 8 The joy of being with the new baby 8 My body is not my own 9 I'm needed 9 My professional self 10 People regard me as more adult 10 My financial independence 11 I'm fertile 11 Going to the pub/running/golf/computer/football 12 A beautiful baby 12 Someone who is interested in what I did today 13 Continuing the family name 13 Relaxing after work 14 We've created a new life 14 Income     15 My youth Select the box next ot the statements that reflect YOUR experience of loss and gain. These will appear on the scale below: Gains: Losses: 1 A child to love 1 My freedom 2 I'm a mother 2 My body shape 3 I'm a father 3 Social and leisure activities 4 A child to love me 4 Time with my partner 5 Something in common with other women/men 5 My personal independence 6 Our family line will continue 6 My freedom to spend our money 7 I have a family 7 Feeling carefree and confident 8 The joy of being with the new baby 8 My body is not my own 9 I'm needed 9 My professional self 10 People regard me as more adult 10 My financial independence 11 I'm fertile 11 Going to the pub/running/golf/computer/football 12 A beautiful baby 12 Someone who is interested in what I did today 13 Continuing the family name 13 Relaxing after work 14 We've created a new life 14 Income     15 My youth Select the box next ot the statements that reflect YOUR experience of loss and gain. These will appear on the scale below: Gains: Losses: 1 A child to love 1 My freedom 2 I'm a mother 2 My body shape 3 I'm a father 3 Social and leisure activities 4 A child to love me 4 Time with my partner 5 Something in common with other women/men 5 My personal independence 6 Our family line will continue 6 My freedom to spend our money 7 I have a family 7 Feeling carefree and confident 8 The joy of being with the new baby 8 My body is not my own 9 I'm needed 9 My professional self 10 People regard me as more adult 10 My financial independence 11 I'm fertile 11 Going to the pub/running/golf/computer/football 12 A beautiful baby 12 Someone who is interested in what I did today 13 Continuing the family name 13 Relaxing after work 14 We've created a new life 14 Income     15 My youth

Learning from your answers

We usually imagine that a baby will bring only joy and delight. However, in reality it is more complicated. Providing good care for your baby means that you and your partner cannot do some of the things that you were free to do before becoming parents. It can be surprising to realise how important these were and how much they are missed.

Mothers provide most infant care and often feel that they have lost more than the baby's father has. Each person misses different things, and it helps to name them so you can talk about them. The first task is to work out what each of you feels has been lost in becoming parents and the next is to compare these and see where the similarities and differences are.

It is then important to talk together about which things have gone forever, which things can be found again, perhaps in a different way, and then to identify the unique experiences that parenthood brings. Mums and dads need to look after each other.